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The holiday season is at its
most magical with the annual celebrations of Branakah and Panitiemas.
There are eight days of Branakah,
each more holy than the last. Th first day is known as A, then comes B,
C, D, AA, BB, CC, and the final and most holy day, DD. On each day celebrants
drink from two cups joined together. Larger cups are used on each day
of the festival, until on DD, the cups are so large they can barely be
lifted to the lips. Celebrants can often be heard saying to each other
"are thy cups full, brother," to which the traditional response is, "my
cups overflow."
On Pantiemas, the mythical
figure Pantie Claus, clad in red velvet and lycra/spandex, brings gifts
of panties to all the girls of the world. Pantie Claus knows what girls
have been "good" or "bad." Good girls receive a pair of fresh, white panties,
which are said to be similar to the panties that their mothers might lay
out for them. Bad girls receive a pair of sinful black panties, and a
firm spanking.
The culmination of the holidays
is the Grand Festival of the Pillow Fight. Here, smores are baked, hair
is done, crushes are discussed, and, in the finale, every girl strips
to her bra and panties and set about her cohorts with the softest, most
feathery pillows. The fight continues for hours while onlookers cheer
"hooray for bras! Hooray for panties!"
Finally, when the pillows have
been reduced to a mist of feathers, the participants find one or more
partners and retire to a home where a lavish "sleep-over" awaits them.
The historical signifigance
of Branakah can be traced to one man. Apparently a young man named Rye-An
lived long ago in the highlands of Scotland. While the other memebers
of his clan froliced with the beatiful, unspoiled redhaired highland girls,
Rye-An sat alone in a damp cave high on the moors.
Apparently he spent all his
days and sleepless nights ruminating on the fact that, as he put it in
the language of his time, the "chicks" did not "dig" him. In fact, among
the other young men of his clan, he came to be known simply as "he who
the chicks do not dig."
Finally, Rye-An decided he
must leave some record of his lonely, wasted existenace. Thus, he beagn
his writings, never knowing that they would one day come to be reality.
Rye-An’s works, naturally, dealt almost exclusively with the "chicks."
However, lacking any real expereience or knowledge of chicks and their
ways, Rye-An’s writings contained the most fanciful accounts of chicks
and their doings yet seen at that time.
He imagined great pillow fights,
in which the chicks removed all but their goat-hide under-clothes and
played joyfully about with each other. Of course no woman of the highlands
had ever behaved in this utterly ridiculous way, but Rye-An had no way
of knowing this. In his fevered imagination, the pillow fights became
real, a vision that haunted his nights in the cave, unitl it was more
real to him than reality itself.
History does not record the
end of Rye-An. Years later Highland boys discovered his overgrown cave
and in it, his works. Gradually the strange books made their way from
village boy to village boy, then down from father to son, through the
generations.
Finally Rye-An was elevated
in the eyse of the local Scots from warped loner to something of a religious
figure. His writings were taken as word from above, and holidays were
created to honor him and his visons. Thus were Branakah and Pantiemas
born, in his honor. Some even say that the spirit of Rye-An is there at
every Branakah and Pantiemas, looking down on the great pillow fight,
with an excellent top view of the cleavage.
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