VICTIM MAY PROVIDE NEW IMPETUS FOR INDEPENDENT COUNCIL PROBE

In leaks from the Office of the Independent Council, it is being reported that another victim has come forward claiming sexual misconduct by the President. A press conference is scheduled for tomorrow, during which the victim will provide more details about the situation. Preliminary information gathered from the leaked reports suggest that Buddy, the White House dog, will accuse the President of "inappropriate language of a sexual nature" as well as "repeated suggestive motioning." Buddy is quoted as saying that the President frequently asked him "to fetch the stick" and "find the bone." The White House declined to comment on the story, saying only that the "President is focusing on the job that he was elected to by the American people." Rita Velikina

MS. PACMAN SUES ATARI Queens, New York

An Orthodox Jew by the name of Ms. Pacman is apparently suing Atari games for copyright infringements and character degradation. Ms. Pacman believes she is the basis of the popular video-game character, one with which she bears a stunning likeness. Coincidentally or not, Ms. Pacman is approximately 6 feet in diameter. "I've always been told I look young because of my soft, foamy yellow skin," claims Ms. Pacman, who wants royalties from the video game's immense profits in the early 1980s. She's also upset for being misrepresented. "In the video game they have me eating ghosts," claims bemouthed yellow orb. "That's just not Kosher. That goes entirely against my Jewish heritage. If ya wanna see someone eat ghosts, talk to that goy Link from Zelda. Oi, he's a machine." When the game first came out, Ms. Pacman went through severe depression. "I'd feel pretty lousy," she stated. "I turned to food to solve my problems. I just went around the house eating every pretzel, cherry, or banana I could find. It was a low point in my life." To vent her anger, Ms. Pacman has cultivated new hobbies. She currently heads up an Afro-Cuban rock band, "Hassidic Heat." Known for their dark lyrics, her songs are filled with the angst of being a misrepresented Jewish video game character: "Atari turned me into a whore. Now you can get a high score!" Ms. Pacman is currently flying up the charts in Yonkers, but wishes it were because of her artistry. "It's hard," she says. "Being known as only a nice piece of foam kinda makes you feel less human." Eamonn Olin

Cat adopts Squirrel, frets FOX News LOS ANGELES

Muffy,a local cat, delighted Southland residents and worried FOX News yesterday by adopting a mangy squirrel. FOX News co-ordinator Paul Fitz expressed concern about the development," Obviously, FOX News is dedicated to bringing the public hard-hitting human interest stories such as Muffy's, but we've already used up all our allotted time for cute animal bits. The remaining half-hour is divided up very precisely: five minutes for murders and dismemberments, five minutes on advancements in breast enlargement technology, and nineteen minutes for behind-the-scenes looks at our hilarious new FOX sitcoms. Maybe we can get rid of the World News Minute or something." Michael Rosen

World Religions Update Image for New Millenium THE VATICAN

Citing dwindling church attendance and decreasing faith, Pope John Paul II announced a new program to encourage the youth of today to return to the Church. Under the codename "Vatican III: Judgement Day," the program will focus on connecting with today’s kids on their own terms. In this spirit, Deacon Winston "Bucky" Pitfig III will organize the first "Nunrumble," in which Westside Dominicans and Eastside Benedictines will finally settle their age-old turf war. Promoters expressed optimism about the event: "There is a lot of bitterness between them--we’ve had terrible drive-by ruler whackings. It’s about time we settled this bruhaha." Not to be outdone, other world religions announced similar plans. From the introduction of Disco Dervishes to the new comic book superhero "Mor-man," many faiths are finally realizing that the divine, spiritual truths of the universe are not enough to draw in potential followers. [Street-wise Buddhist monk Rosy Lotus expressed shock over the merger of Mainstream Buddhism with the Thuggee cult but noted "it should be enlightening."] The newly elected "Kali Lama," however, notes that some confusion is to be expected in a period of transition. Michael Rosen

God to Creation: "Syke!"

Earlier this week God finally admitted that life is a joke. In a prepared statement from a mountaintop, the deity said "I was just playin’" and "I can't believe you guys all took me for real." Long time God supporter Pope John Paul II responded, "God is really a pretty witty guy once you get to know him. He really had me fooled." Michael Rosen

*EXTRA TO THE INTERNET*

15 Minutes of Fame Runs Out for Puff Daddy Washington, D.C.

Sunday was a day of rejoicing for some, and a day of mourning for others. The United States Bureau of Fame and Popularity confirmed rumors at a news conference that Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs had indeed enjoyed his fifteenth minute of fame, and will now slip into the world of has-beens with Tone-Loc, and Young MC. At his home Puff Daddy told reporters, that he "accepted the inevitable demise of my popularity. Frankly, I am amazed I was allowed the full fifteen minutes, since half of my fame came from sticking myself in other people’s videos." Mr. Combs added, "I knew this day would come, there were only so many songs from the 80s I could steal." Friends of Puff Daddy have already lost his number and claimed to have "never been down with that wannabe," and children across America are asserting that they thought Puff Daddy was "weak from the start." Shawn Westrick

*EXTRA TO THE INTERNET*

Night of Drinking Yields Hilarious Story Westwood, CA

Friday was a day a group of Rieber students will never forget. After drinking at a local bar, the students ventured to "Buck Fitty" to enjoy a sandwich. However, Once Shawn, Martin, Omar, Matt and Dave got behind Tommy’s of Westwood, Omar and Matt decided they had to pee. Standing next to the wall they started peacefully until Matt decided to "aim for the bucket" standing between them and "overshot just a little." Omar, intoxicated at the time, required a few moments to realize why his left leg had suddenly became warmer than the other did. When he relaxed the cause of the newfound warmth, the hilarious antics came to a head. "What the fuck?" an angry Omar screamed at Matt. Matt promptly redirected the stream of urine and after finishing, began to apologize to Omar. Matt’s attempt at reconciling the event failed when the humorous nature of the situation got the better of him, and promptly began laughing hysterically. Upon seeing the 8-inch wet spot on Omar’s leg, Shawn and Martin, although smashed, quickly realized the gravity of the situation, and joined with Matt in a fit of laughter. "Oh, the old pee on someone’s leg trick, yeah, that always gets a laugh," yelled Omar over the wailing laughter of his friends. The ruckus soon caught the attention of Tommy Burgers employees who joined in on the laughing. After regaining his composure, Matt offered the opportunity for Omar to pee on his leg to make things even. Omar commented that it was convenient to offer that solution, seeing as how he had just finished peeing. Martin offered to pee for Omar onto Matt’s leg, which Matt agreed to if it were okay with Omar. Omar stated, "There has been enough tragedy tonight. Nobody is peeing on anybody’s leg anymore." It was later decided that aiming for the white bucket, although resulting in disaster, was still a pretty cool idea. Shawn Westrick