Epistle to Bob Barker
by Eamonn Olin

Why did Bob Barker my cat thusly spay?
What offense to him did my beast allay?
Was it for the time she shredded his couch That she with her ovum for nylon did vouch? Perhaps it was poor taste on pussy's behalf
To ingest Barker's hamster and loudly laugh? With my poor kitty's genitalia lost,
My life was spent with Ben Cartwright and Hoss.
Upon the Ponderosa we roamed, Returning ovaries to feline homes.
We stumbled upon a cat-lovin' man, Parleying with a canine caravan.
After much discussion with the doggies
We concocted revenge for neuter moggies. Gliding in Geos to Bob Barker's mansion
We hanged him on a lantern stanchion.
He appealed to the crowd, asking pity, Claiming spaying a service to the city.
An Epicurean lot, free from chagrin,
To them sanguine felines commit no sin: "Wouldn't be fair, to accept with a smile Ellen's, but not kitty's, choice of lifestyle. Kitties should be free to breed for sport, Whether hairy, bare, longhaired or short!"
We kicked out the stool, Barker was slain,
The price was high, not purchased in vain. "Cats now have rights," says the ACLU.
"Just like ducks, chimps, wookies, and hippos do.
No more can we turn them into school glue. The best adhesive is a human like you."

Hardships of a Squirrel
by Rita Velikina

My story has been passed And relived many a time.
The die that to my kind is cast
Makes a rodent’s life anything but sublime. Avoiding contact with soles are just one of my concerns,
The thought just makes my tail curl! But what can I do?
Such is the life of a squirrel.
Danger after danger lines my path at UCLA, Here, survival is harder than keeping a thousand wolves at bay.
But I shall overcome that which I must endure,
And soon I will emerge as the new chancellor of the school.
The rewards I receive are none,
No wonder I’m always in a bad mood!
Who else would finish your stale Bombshelter buns
Or down your dorm food?
If you’re going to feed me, Make sure it’s food I’ve elected.
Nothing that gives off the odor of pee,
And I prefer chestnuts, but Spago dishes won’t be rejected.
Not to worry, it could be worse, I could be at the school in the heart of crime.
Life here is like living a curse
Can’t wait to begin that new occupation of mine.