|
Dear Anvil...
(Longshanks' answers were obtained by Ryan Moore. Lewis Black's answers were provided by Lewis Black. Really. Watch him on The Daily Show on Comedy Central)
Here at the Anvil Trapeze people occasionally write to us
for advice. DO we give them just one response like other magazines? NO! We go
out and get not only a famous comedian, but also a grizzled 18th century buccaneer
to give two informed perspectives on these puzzling problems!
| Our loyal readers ask: |
Lewis Black, Comedian,
responds:
|
Longshanks,
Pirate, responds: |
| Dear Anvil, If you're going to a fancy dinner with your girlfriend,
is it proper etiquette to sit across from her, or next to her? If next to
her, then which side? Or should I sit separately, in order to meet other
people? How should I dress-suit and tie, or a tuxedo? Should my shoes be
shined? Which forks should I use? Where should my elbows go when I sit down
at the table? Should I eat all the food I'm given, and if I'm hungry is
it allright for me to ask for more? Should I use hairspray in my hair or
let it go natural? If I am sitting in a chair, should I cross my legs, leave
them wide or what? I will be given the Johnson Biochemistry and Physics
award next week, and I need to know how to act. Thanks a bunch! |
Before
you go on the date, just to calm down and give yourself some perspective,
I believe a nice electroshock would be good for you. Don’t leave your house
until the drooling stops. |
Ar,
ye should position yeself on top of your wench, with a hunk of fine meat
in your hand to rip off chunks in your teeth when your strength flags! |
| Dear Anvil, I'm going to France next month, and I've been
studying French so I won't stick out too much. Can you give me any advice
about how to act, or what not to do so that people won't think I'm a foreigner?
What foods should I eat? Do French people walk like we do? How should I
dress? I want the true "French" experience. Thanks. |
Go
to Montreal. You’ll get a nice introduction to French abuse there. |
Ar,
the French. The feminine and girlish screams of a tortured Frenchman can
always bring a smile to my band of sea dogs, even after months at sea! |
| Dear Anvil, Is it wrong to cheat on a test? I was thinking
that it was ok, but then I realized that it wasn't fair to the other people
in the class. Then I thought that it was allright, because they wouldn't
know, and that I wasn't really hurting anyone, since they weren't grading
on a curve. But then I wondered if this was just trying to justify my cheating,
and if that is why the world is in such a messed-up condition as it is.
But I figured, how much can one little test hurt? What do you think? I need
to know-midterms are next week, and if it's ok, then I can spend the time
partying and screwing around. If not, then I should probably study. |
After
the President gets a few blow jobs and what have you and lies about it…well
all bets are off. Cheating on a test is not much of anything really…unless
it’s a test of your eyes for a driver’s license--those are really hard to
cheat on, I’d be impressed. |
Aye,
‘tis wrong. Run the knaveish schoolmaster through and flee with the meager
contents of his money pouch. No doubt the university pays him only in pieces
of copper, but ‘tis the best course to quiet those confounded fools who
babble of book-learning. |
| Dear Anvil, I've noticed that recently I can't get enough
cheese. No matter where I go, that's all I think about. Like, I was with
this girl yesterday, but all I could think about was cheese. I see it in
my sleep, I find myself drawing pictures of it-do you think this is a problem?
Is there anything I can do about this? Thanks |
Yes,
it is a problem. Don’t write us again. |
Once
I sailed round the horn through a raging tempest and saw the cheese mines
of South Africa. ‘Twas quite a sight, I tell ye. |
| Dear Anvil, If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around,
does it make a sound? Please answer quickly, I have a philosophy paper due
tomorrow, and I'm really wasted. |
If
a man says something and a woman doesn’t hear it, is he still wrong? |
Ar,
‘tis a tough one. If ye were drawn and quartered and your head hung from
London Bridge as a gruesome warning to others of your kind, would YE make
a sound?? |
| My girlfriend just left me for my roommate. She said I was
too complex, and that it wasn't working out. Also…I'm really ugly or something.
It's really a bad situation because now, every time I come back to my room,
the two of them are in bed together. So I have to sit there for about half
an hour until they're finished-it's very awkward for me, and I don't know
how to talk to them about it. I don't even think they know or care how uncomfortable
it makes me feel. Also, they both laugh at me whenever I come back. So I've
been sleeping outside for the past month. I'm really, really depressed,
and the only solution I've thought of is to either kill them, or myself.
What do you think? |
Kill
both of them and then kill yourself. This is how these things happen. |
The
mutinous dog!!! He won't be such a charmer of the ladies when ye have cut
him, and his manhood is replaced with a wooden peg!! |
| Lately at work things haven't been going so smoothly between
my boss and me. He's been really pushy and it's making me kind of uncomfortable.
You see, he keeps asking me to go out with him Friday night for cocktails
even though he appears to be happily married with two kids. I feel awfully
pressured. After all, I don't want to lose my job or receive a pay cut (not
to mention remain in a great marriage with two great kids) just because
I refused to answer my boss's unprofessional, unfaithful demands. What's
worse is that he wants to set up a room for us at the Ritz Hotel in downtown.
What should I do? I just don't know. Sincerely, Confused over my head in
Morals, Mo P.S. my boss has a jaguar and a six-figure paycheck with anng
for vice president. |
Why
are you writing me…ask Ann Landers. |
Ar,
a jaguar is a mighty beast. I killed one in the darkest jungles of Africa
but three of my men met their end in its toothy maw! Ar, what was the question
again? |
| I think my cat is sexually harassing me. I've just noticed
that she walks around the house all day completely naked. Whenever I sit
down, she comes and sits in my lap. I want to say something but I'm afraid
that it will hurt our professional relationship (I artificially inseminate
lab animals). Please advise me! |
You
may want to lie around naked and cover yourself with honey and see if she
licks you all over and then you will have more of an idea of what this animal
may be up to. |
Ar,
tis no shame in that. Many a lonely night at sea passes more quickly with
the gentle stroke of my faithful parrot's soft beak upon my grizzled flesh! |
| |