Dating Tips from the Private Journal of Heinrich Guber and His Liebchen Glock
provided by Michael Rosen

It is a common complaint that Americans have no concept of romance, that our countrymen are baffled when confronted with the mysteries of the physical arts. Who among us has not heard speak of the sensual sophistication of our European neighbors? So often do we hear this truism, that we at the Anvil Trapeze felt obligated to pass love tips onto our readers.

We spoke with a true master of European bedroom culture so we could present to you the first ever in a series of "Love Tips From Heinrich Guber the Continental Amorist!" "Guten tag. I am Heinrich Guber, meister of the fleschical nuance, prime Europeshe Adult star. Ah haf deigned it worthy to spveak to you pitiful, uncultured bourgeoisie shower-taking Americans, as your lack of the most rudimentary physical uenderstanding iz offensive to my refined zenzibilities. Even the most puerile peasant boy knows that the zecret to a hen fraulein’s heart is her Schlickenhollenvondenwaldstein. You must sticken your tatzelwurm betveen der fleischenbergen, vit und knocken der bratwurst hamster weizenschloppen. Und how do I know of such matters, fragst du?

I learned what passion a heart can hold back when I was but a young swineherd in the mountains of Struedelberg. It was there, as I paused by a mountainside shrine to pick some edelweis, that I first saw her. My sweet soft little Glock, pacing delicately through the pure driven snow, tenderly pecking at exposed roots. Her gentle, sultry cackle stirred ancient, primal impulses that had long remained dormant at the very base of a man’s soul. Her leathery legs complemented her silky feathers; the swelling curves of her supple thighs und der glossy sheen of her ample beak...truly, this vas a chicken!

Her enticing clucks spoke of forbidden loves; von furtive encounters in the twilight gloom; of hot, steamy nights in dim motel rooms in Munich and Paris, where the world glowed a neon red and fumbling lovers twisted in the spastic contortions of unnatural jungle lust. Glock vispered von pasty fish-belly bodies writhing and groping, oversize limbs flailing like some mutant arachnid. The world may not understand, but I knew that I had to make dis chicken my wife.

There is no shame in the love of a man fur a woman so what is the shame of a man’s love for his poultry? I know that ven I mit mein Glock am, she sagt always: ‘AAAAAAA!!! Bvak bvak bvak bvak!’ To my adoring ears, that says ,_’Heinrich, I love you more than schnitzlkraut! I must your kinder haven! Du grosse manwurst, du!’ Unlike the dummkopf SPCA that claims she says, ‘AAAAAAAA!!! Achtung, Schlecht schong!’ Und so, you foolisch Amerikaner now uenderstand the ways of love. Just remember: Struedel nudeln mit the velvet hosen und der latex inflatable gockelhahn so dass, Hide the kraut und ‘Bismarck und der Rhineland’ spielen und dann wir nehmen Schlesswig-Holstein, Poland, und den Czechen Republiken. Auf Wiedersehen!"