WOMEN!!

by Ian Brown

Are you dating the perfect guy? Take this quick and easy test, and find out. Answer each question accurately and honestly, and then step back and assess your relationship.

1. If compared to an animal, he reminds you of a:

a) a bear
b) a horse
c) a salamander
d) a gorilla
e) a stuffed Garfield that you stick to the window of your car

2. His idea of dressing up involves wearing:

a) pressed slacks, shirt, tie, combed hair
b) sequins, polyester, platforms
c) Metallica t-shirt, jeans, and spiked hair
d) seemingly random stripes, spots, and zig-zags
e) one of your dresses

3. In a love poem he wrote, he compares you to:

a) a rose
b) a squid
c) a doe
d) Mighty Mouse
e) the aliens from ‘Independence Day’

4. His political affiliation is:

a) Conservative Republican
b) Peace and Freedom party
c) Moderate Democrat
d) You’re not sure, he just keeps goose-stepping around the house with an armband and bad haircut.
e) None-he’s just waiting until the mother ship takes him home.

5. If he got a tattoo, it would be:

a) your name
b) a dragon
c) a gigantic serpent coiled around a dagger dripping blood, with the caption ‘don’t tread on me’
d) his name and social security, because this guy really needs help
e) a big, featureless, unrecognizable blob-he did it himself while drunk and stoned out of his mind.

6. His favorite Spice Girl is:

a) Sporty
b) Hairy
c) Scary
d) Garlic
e) Rupaul

7. His pets is/are:

a) Three bulldogs named Moe, Larry, and Curly.
b) A cat named Mittens.
c) A sixteen foot long boa constrictor he’s named after you--the sweet thing.
d) A goldfish named Fluffy.
e) Forty-seven hamsters, all named ‘Phil’ that he’s attached little paper wings to and lets run wild through the house, while he’s yelling ‘look at them go-they said it wouldn’t work, but I’ll show them, the bastards!’

8. Your parent(s) would describe him as:

a) a wonderful young man.
b) mature, intelligent boy with a great future.
c) the next Pillsbury Doughboy.
d) a sort of walking blob of gelatin.
e) basically harmless, but without many redeeming qualities-like a squid or a chair.

9. If he were a rock star, he’d be

a) Jim Morrison
b) Mick Jagger
c) Yanni
d) Oscar the Grouch (not a rock star in the true sense of the words)
e) that guy from Silverchair who jumped into the crowd at Santa Monica Pier during a show and no one caught him (true story)

10. For Halloween, he dressed up as:

a) a ghost.
b) Underwear Man (not that different from everyday).
c) the Great Overlord of the Zotron People (again, not that different from everyday).
d) a French maid, and to your surprise, his legs aren’t that bad.
e) Mr. Happy (guess what this means).