Women Cannot See Eye to Eye with Short Men

(by Shawn Westrick)

Psssssst. Down here. I would like to have a word with you. I’ve been on this heap of dirt we call earth now for twenty years and I’ve come to a pitiful conclusion I’d like to discuss with you. I am not going to argue in defense of any of Descartes’ ideas about the mind. No, my goal here is loftier than that: frankly, as a short man, I get a raw deal from women.

Ask the average woman if a man’s height matters and some honestly say no. Of course, these are often the same women who say the number one character they look for in a guy is a sense of humor--and someone rightfully pointed out to me once that he’s never seen anyone run over Brad Pitt to get to Louie Anderson. These women are probably not lying, but too often they don’t realize they don’t give a second look to short men (or a first look for that matter). Then there are women who admit that a short man just doesn’t do it for them.

I’ve been known to dress in drag to infiltrate groups of women just to hear what they think about short men without males around. I’ve also been known to dress in drag because damn it, my mother’s luscious red lipstick and stiletto heels just look that f’in’ hot on me! But to continue, this is what I have learned: women don’t know why they don’t like short men. This got me thinking: why do women want tall men?

After years and years of exploration, I’ve only been able to come up with one plausible answer: tall people have been using vicious tactics to spread propaganda about short men, and at the same time make themselves appear more desirable to women. Well, I won’t stand for that, and so I am going to let you in on a little secret about tall men that may make you think a little different about dating those who are "vertically gifted". Here are Shawn Westrick’s 6 Facts About Tall Men That Are Completely Real, and Not Made Up Because Shawn Is Very Very Spiteful About Not Having Any Dates:

1. Tall men are 87% more likely to carry harmful STD’s like syphilis and gonorrhea.

2. Tall men have IQ’s that are 60-120 points lower than short men, making them dumber than dirt.

3. Tall men are selfish, and completely incapable of satisfying a woman sexually.

4. Tall men are selfish, and completely incapable of satisfying a woman sexually. (This was so important it had to be mentioned twice)

5. Tall men are too tall and gawky to be able to hide quickly and effectively making them more vulnerable to predation, and thus, less fit to survive.

6. Tall men are responsible for 98% of all violent crimes. The other 2% comprising crimes committed by short men after being the unwarranted participant in midget tossing.

So women, if you want to avoid that embarrassing trip to the Free Clinic, date men that know how to spell their own names. Be satisfied sexually, and have your genes be passed on to future generations. Please, when you’re at a bar or nightclub, or even on campus, cast your eyes downward, because there are many great men down there who deserve a date. Give us a chance, and we will be your willing love slaves who will worship the ground you walk on. If this has in any way persuaded or compelled you to change your dating behavior, please reach me at shawn.

Shawn is currently a student at UCLA who works at night as a troll underneath a bridge charging a quarter to all those who try to pass over said bridge.