This Month In Parliamentary Procedure

transcribed by Ryan Moore

Beta House- By a votes of 23 to 4, with one abstention, the brothers resolved that "Jen from Theta is a ho."

Delta Chi- Brother Eric was tried for his crime of yelling 'who wants to get buttfucked" at last Friday's party. While it was ruled that Eric's intent was clearly humorous, he was nonetheless found to have violated Delta Chi sacred bylaw VIIa, section ii, which states that "all brothers shall keep the homoerotic stuff to a minimum." Eric was found guilty and sentenced to six "hard ass paddlins"

Sigma Chi- a motion of censure was agreed upon for John, whose act of throwing up in Pete's shower stall was officially labeled "seriously not cool."

Alpha- A subcommittee was formed to investigate a link between associating with tri-Delt Allison and the outbreak of STD among the brothers. However, the committee meeting was adjourned early, as the amount of frantic crotch-scratching by the members made further debate impossible.

In a bitter contest in the party theme committee, dark horse "Goin to Miami" narrowly edged out perennial favorite "luau." rapper/actor's Will Smith's enormous mainstream popularity and unoffensiveness was thought to be a deciding factor, as was the desire of the committee to appear "with it" through association with what it perceived as "the latest phat hip hop."

Sigma Nu: brother Chris unsuccessfully lobbied the sub-committee on nicknames to change his pledge name to something more befitting his status as fraternity treasurer. After a short but spirited debate, the offending moniker, "no nuts", was allowed to stand.