Good Ideas

By Ian Brown

I think that we should make the space shuttles remote controlled. That way, instead of astronauts, we can send pro wrestlers into space. So if a warlike alien race ever came and abducted them, instead of some skinny little astronaut we’d have someone like the Undertaker up there.

Bill Gates has enough money to give every 18 year old in the country a four year scholarship to a public university. He can give away hundreds of millions of dollars to charity. So you’d think that as long as he’s buying a wife, he might as well buy himself a prettier one than the one he chose. I mean, come on, Bill-get a set of contact lenses. Or a tattoo. Do something, man!

If you were one of Santa’s elves, I don’t think it would be a good idea to make fun of Santa on Christmas night as you flew around the world in the sleigh. He’d probably be real stressed out, and have to go to the bathroom real bad from all that milk and cookies. And so he might throw you off the sleigh--and it’s a long way down.

I hope Clint Eastwood doesn’t always act in real life like he does in the movies, because if he did and you went to his house I think that the whole “Do you feel hungry (thirsty, comfortable, etc.), punk?” thing probably gets old real fast.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having hair on your chest-I mean, I haven’t had to wear a sweater in three years.

If I were Michael Jordan, after I retired I’d buy courtside seats for all the games and just sit there in my old uniform, smiling. I bet it would freak everybody on the other team out, ‘cause they’d all think that I was about to jump up into the game and score 48 points or something.

When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. But what about when life gives you a grapefruit? Or a papaya? What then? Where’s your wisdom them, Mr. Philosophy?

They say violence doesn’t solve anything, but I’m pretty sure that if you hit them hard enough, it will.