SEARCHING FOR GOD

by Skot Gillies

Greetings...my name is Skot and I am on a quest....I am searching for God. It all started one day at breakfast, some time ago...I guess it's been about two hours now. Id up my box of Honey Clusters of Raw Antler with Raisin-filled Centers and Dried Cheese Chunks noticing it was almost in it's empty stage.

So, I peered inside the box to find my special toy surprise--a limited edition, cast iron version of the cereal's mascot, Allowishus the Irate One-Antlered Antelope--but, instead finding a floating apparition mumbling and singing in tongue (you can imagine my disappointment when Allowishus was nowhere to be found). To this day, I still can't figure out for sure whether or not this iridescent, raisin-like vision was God, or just Elvis. The fact that I can't remember exactly what it looked like makes me think it had some special power over me. With further reflection, I think I might have witnessed God, in some form or another, though Elvis was a pretty amazing guy.

This event changed the course of my life forever…and from this day forward, I shall be giving you regular updates on my search for the All-Mighty, hoping that you may benefit in some way from my findings...or possible lack thereof. My search began with the next logical step. Figuring God, like any other normal entity, likes food (otherwise he would've picked somewhere else to appear, like my missing sock drawer), I thought the next logical step would be to search the rest of my foodstuffs.

I immediately undertook the rampant ransacking of my cupboards, refridgerator, couch crevices, pet food supplies--basically anywhere I could find edibles--all the while screaming at the top of my lungs, "WHERE THE HEAVEN DID YOU GO?!? I'LL FIND YOU IF I HAVE TO DIE TRYING!!" But this was to no avail. I began to realize that this God character was much smarter than I had first thought...and very experienced in eluding measley human beings. My work was cut out for me.

My next impulse was to get out the phone book. Finding no listings under “God” I went for names starting with G-O-D: Godfried, Godwin, Godenheimer, Godfritzenalamanski, Godzhershpeckelinforitangypizzapie. The majority violently hung up on me, many cursing. "Dammit, I'm just looking for God," I thought, “throw me a bone here people!” At least a few people understood where I was coming from, though they weren't of any assistance.

On my tenth call, a guy answered, "Yes, God is here...God is everywhere...." I replied “Well, answer me this, Mr. Smarty Pants: If he's everywhere, then how come I've only seen him in my breakfast cereal?!?" And before I could hang up on him, he hung up on me. After a few more dead-ends, a glimmer of light peered through the clouds. "Hi...is God there?" "Speaking," came the reply, and a joyous sensation came over me. For a second, I even forgot about the excessively large void left in my soul from (). "THE God?," I asked. " The one that created Humankind?" "Yep, that's the one."

However, after a bit of dialogue, the guy turned out to be some random, crazed old man who, when he was a little tike, had started a Sea Monkey collection, which now had grown so large he has to keep it in his swimming pool and miscellaneous receptacles around the house; and is under the delusion that this collection is, indeed, "Humankind."

I guess I shouldn't call him a loony... who knows? Perhaps he is God to those Sea Monkeys...moreover, maybe we, ourselves, are just a bunch of Sea Monkeys in someone else’s backyard pond. I wonder about that, though...those Sea Monkeys sure are a hoot to watch! Anyway...at this point, I was pretty worn out, and with all my enthusiasm spent, I sat down on my kitchen floor and assembled a meal from the scraps of food my dog had spared of those that didn't land in hard-to-get places.