"Amateur Militarist"
special on the net only! unedited "rambling manifesto" version!!

by Mike Rosen

Almost everyday I hear new stories of Japanese school children publicly mocking our scientists or German industrialists churning out more gas-efficient cars. It’s enough to make me hang my head in shame, a single tear running down my cheek, as I mourn the passing of the glory that was once America.

That’s why I thank God everyday that there are still a few hardy mavericks out there, rugged individualists unafraid to grab life, stuff it down their throats, and swallow it whole. Swarthy men brave enough to flush mortars down the toilet, string barb wire around the bed, or bury human remains in the backyard; men who can mix a Molotov cocktail faster than tequila sour. That’s what I do: I’m an amateur Survivalist, dedicated to protecting freedom, justice, and the American way of life.

I’m not the only one either. More and more loyal citizens are turning toward weekend Survivalism to escape the monotony of this work-a-day world and recapture their pride in America. Perhaps you, too, have dreamt of running covert operations in the Montana backwoods but feel unsure about how to begin this venture. Many would-be Survivalists are held back by the mistaken impression that membership in this elite community requires years of experience, exhausting research, and good connections. As a life-long enthusiast, I can assure you that this is not the case. By following a few simple rules, anyone can become a productive and fulfilled part of this thriving organization.

The first step is to find a firearm that works for you and learn to use it properly. For my money, there’s nothing like the feel of a hulking Yugoslavian M76 sniper rifle in your hands to make you feel truly alive, but everyone has different tastes. Don’t waste your time with a standard 1974 Saiga self-loading hunting carbine just because your friends think it’s cool, when you’re really more comfortable with a 1937 Krieghoff military issue German luger. Be prepared to improvise in the event that your weapon of choice is suddenly outlawed by Bolshevik sympathizers or is otherwise unavailable. Many find landmines to be the most satisfying alternative; they pack all the fear-inspiring, God-defying fury of your average industrial firearm without all the disturbing phallic connotations.

Besides our right to bear arms, the prudent survivalist knows that the most important thing for maintaining our standard of living is our bodily fluids. Take precautions to preserve this. Never drink tap water. To prevent contamination, I always keep a close rein on my urine; the world is full of people who delight to tarnishing the reputations of honest, hard-working Survivalists by slipping opium, turpentine, or fluoride into their secretions. Never heap all your urine together in a random pile, because, as we all know, the government may need to confiscate it in times of crisis. In such an event, our national security might be jeopardized if you cannot account for all of it. Label your collection according to date and acid concentration. If you have reason to suspect that foreign agents are stealing your urine during the night, dig a trench around your house or chain a starving pit-bull to your porch. This serves the additional purpose of discouraging renegade KGB officers disguised as mailmen, Jehovah’s Witnesses and girl scouts.

Moving on, the fashion-conscious commandos will always dress for the occasion. If I’m just going out to the range with the boys from the militia, I usually just wear my old army fatigues. They’re quick and comfortable and afford one the flexibility necessary to wire a 4.2 inch chemical mortar while standing waist deep in a Guatemalan leech swamp. If you’re planning a night raid on a secret Pakistani chemical plant, you won’t want to show up in full mediaeval Samarai armor. Save that for more formal occasions, such as the initiation of a new Colonel. Remember, a Prussian spiked helmet lends a jaunty air to any gathering.

The intelligent Survivalist knows the importance of a good adversary. An enemy focuses your attention, keeps you alert, and gives you a purpose in life. Any convenient terrorist organization, preferably linked to the International Communist party, will suffice for the beginner. Once you’ve established yourself as a Survivalist to be reckoned with, you can move on to bigger and better enemies, such as the British. The true menace to the American way of life comes not from Russia but from the UK. While Ghanaians and Lithuanians come to our fair country and work hard in our convenience stores and taxi cabs to build a life for themselves, the English just sit around on their porches, wear handkerchiefs on their heads and complain about soccer games. Stuck in their Colonial rut, they are unable to come to terms with the reality that America is now the dominant economy on this planet.

So next time you update your enemy list, be sure to add John Major, right under Ho Chi Minh and Vladimir Lenin. A platoon of rabid Welshmen is a challenge that would test the mettle of even the best Survivalist. Finally, every Survivalist needs a firing range, a special place where he can drink warm Mexican beer and practice his aim. It’s a friendly place for gathering round the campfire with loved ones to spin yarns about the beginning time when men were men and the English cowered in fear at our approach.

The range is also a useful tool to prepare for the inevitable British onslaught. To avoid detection by any marauding advance scouts, it may be necessary to keep emergency stores of pickled kippers, crumpets, and marmite on hand. Refer to your freedom-loving comrades with codenames like “Winston” or “Nigel.” Post sentries at the compound’s perimeter and have them periodically yell out “Cor!,” “Blimey!” or “Bloody Hell!” These measures may do nothing more than buy you time but every second counts in this war. Until the government recognizes England as a legitimate threat, we are America’s only line of defense against the Queen and her toadies. Be proud of your part in this noble battle, no matter how small it may be.

While it would take volumes to spell out the full complexities of this life, keep to these guidelines and rewards will follow. With a mere five pieces of equipment (a gun, a uniform, a firing range, an enemy, a glass jar), you’re ready to embark on your exciting journey to Survivalism. Just remember, if you hear voices telling you to wage gory mayhem until the streets run red with the blood of your enemies, make sure it’s actually God speaking to you. After all, it’s always embarrassing to find that you’ve actually been hearing nothing more than encoded CIA messages transmitted through that microchip in your cortex. And duck before you cover.