Aries (March 21- October 30)

Whomever smelt it today may not have necessarily dealt it, but it will take one to know one.

Taurus (October 31)

Don’t run over a goat when you’re driving your electric shark down Wilshire during a full moon. Or any other time, for that matter.

Gemini (November 1)

For those about to Gemini...
we sa-lute you!
FIRE!!!!

Cancer (November 2 - 5)

Nothing. Today will be completely normal.

Leo (November 6 - December 29)

The moon is in…Pollux, the north star is in…Callisto, and the sun is in…the sky. That all adds up to…a…great day! Be happy! Yeah…

Virgo (December 30)

For today’s Virgo horoscope, scratch the space below and inhale deeply

Libra (December 31, 12 am - 6 am)

Uhhhh, dude, you know that girl you’re going out with today…yeah, well, I just found out she’s a dude too. Yeah! No, I don’t think she’ll, I mean, he’ll care…well, just thought I’d mention it-have fun.

Scorpio (December 31, 6 am - 6:07 am)

The rising of Uranus in your stars means that... well you know what it means, you damn pervert!

Sagittarius (December 31, 6:08 am)

You are ugly, annoying, and have an unpleasant odor about you. But you also have no friends, so it’s not like you’re hurting anyone. Carry on!

Capricorn (December 31, 6:09 am -12:34 pm)

Eat 'em and smile!

Aquarius (December 31, 12:35 pm - 11:56 pm)

It is your mission in life to beat the living daylights out of a one of those damned Pisces bastards.

Pisces (December 31, rest of day)

Look out behind you!